MONICA SANCHEZ
DRAMATISTA
NO SWAMP LIKE HOME excerpt
Place: ISLA LOCA.
TORTUGA
Long… (but not too long) ago
and faraway... (but not so distant as you think)
este cuento ya pasó
Yo lo sé todo
Truth is slow
Slow, como una tortuga.
Este cuento pa' que sepan
is the story del frogito
El Simón.
No te miento, un sapón muy creido
like all the tadpolitos
recien salidos
from the fragrant and enchanted waters
of 'Loca'.
'Isla Loca' that is!
(A 'cocophony' of island music and joy erupts as the residents of Isla Loca dance and sing.
SIMON SAPON, a disgruntled frog, too cool to dance and sing observes begrudgingly.)
ALL (sans SIMON)
Que lindo es bailar
El baile de la espuma
Cantar el canto del viento
Y vestirse de la selva
Here on Isla Loca
Every day's a party
Every ray of sun a rave
Every smile breaks a wave
Tenemos todo pa' comer
We have everything we need
Isla Loca is our home
Loco sea he who roams!
SIMON SAPON
Por favor! Dame una quebrada...
This silly zoo no vale nada!
Todos son aburridos. You bore me, you do.
500 cousins locos in their 500 cocos.
Always the same hot sun beating down.
I'm way too cool for this 'Sapo' town.
(sings to tune of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow')
Somewhere over the rainbow, way beyond
Is another world waiting for this Sapón...
(A huge wave breaks on the shore leaving behind a giant 'clam' shell, from which emerges, T. VENESS, the 'essence' of T.V. )
T. VENESS
(Emitting an audio collage of static and tv channels as he/she 'tunes-in':)
Ah, swept away again...like sands through an hourglass...
sale lasts through Sunday at your nearest...and down one,
side one,...tonight on Action News...
SIMON
A la máquina! Who are you--?
T. VENESS
(This is a remote island!)
I, my slimy little hick,
am T. VENESS, God(dess) of T.V.!
My mission:
to save the furthest, tiniest, culture-less-est backwaters
of the seven seas, by bringing you the waves!
(Cords, antennae, satellite discs, etc. appear)
SIMON
Uh, excuse me, but as you can see, this is an island
and we have waves aplenty--
T. VENESS
Waves?! I'm not talking salty water--
the media's my message, I'm bringing the future.
T. Veness, that's my name,
from across the sea I came
to bring you the sit-coms, the cartoons, the sports,
MTV, QVC, movies and soaps,
Commentary, Springer Jerry.
24-7 I'm transmitting video heaven--
Here, you take control, let your fingers do the surfing
Here's the remote.
(Tosses remote control to Simón)
Soy la imagen so you can imagine
A clutter of everything you watch and want
To want to buy...why then oh why can't I?
Well now you can! Channel! Change the channel man!
...frog....whatever!
SIMON
(discovers the magic of TV)
The Real House-Hives!
Breaking Bad...News!
Chucking up with the Kardashians!
Dancing with the Has-beens!
Pimp my Sponge-Bob!
Mex and the City!
America's Got Lint!
Who Wants to Be a Millionair-head?!
The Vice is Right!
The Young and the Listless!
The Mold and the Beautiful!
El Sordo y la Caca!
How I Debt Your Mother!
Throw-up With Boboso Flay!
Nerdy Minute Meals!
America's Next Top Mensa!
(Simón has an epiphany:)
To the city! To the city! I'm on way!
Me voy de Isla Loca, I'd be crazy to stay!
(Simón declaims his farewell, perhaps signs it with an “X” in the sand. Meanwhile one of the animals 'unplugs' T. VENESS. He/She disappears back into the 'shell' and away with the waves)
SIMON
Queridos Padres, padrinos y primos,
to all of my brothers, sisters, tíos and aunties,
nieces, nephews...and all the rest of you flora and fauna:
Always the same hot sun beating down,
I'm way too cool for this sapo-town.
I'm sick of being an island on the island,
Nadie me entiende, nobody cares, so guess what?
I left and I'm not coming back,
Hasta nunca!
Simón Sapón.
Ya! Vámonos Veness! A la ciudad!
Veness?
(He looks for T.Veness who has disappeared)
T. Veness?? Dónde estás?
Te ví? O no te ví? (That is my question!)
Ni modo, I'm off on my own, a solapas voy!
(I am amphibious you know.)
(Simón dives into a tumultuous sea. His swimming abilities are no match for the stubborn surf. He starts to drown! From atop a tall palm tree, LA CHANGA sees SIMON. She gives a signal and several animals including LA PANTERA rush to save SIMON. They bring him back to shore and 'pump' a stream of water out of him.)
SIMON
Where am I? New York? Chicago? Boston? LA?
Show me the sites! Roll out the carpet, I'm hitting the streets--
Oh, I'm a little dizzy....
Where's the buildings? The cars? The babes?
This place looks like...oh no, it's not--!
CHANGA
It is! You're still on Isla Loca, loco!
(All the animals relieved, laugh at their paisano)
SIMON (recovering)
Not for long. I'm off and don't try to stop me!
(They don't. SIMON gets a running start but is stopped in his tracks by the menace of a rising wave.)
Okay...okay...Changa! Changuita, carnalita,
don't you have a cousin in LA?
Cómo está la CHITA anyway? Hey!
I know! Vamos a verla!
You and me against these waves,
in no time flat,
to the LA haze--
CHANGA
Chale.
SIMON
Anda, vamos a ver a la prima.
There in LA, they have huge supermarts
filled with everything a changa wants.
Allí están todos los plátanos que puedes comprar--
CHANGA
Comprarlos? Why should I buy anything?
I have all the bananas I need right here, and for free.
SIMON
Ssss, olvídate pues. Monkey around all day if you want--
CHANGA
And I do! What better life for a changa like me
Than to monkey around all day in the trees?
Eating sweet fruit, breathing fresh air,
Tengo la vida mas viva aquí.
No ves, Sapo? Ya soy felíz!
PANTERA
Wake up Simón, life is a breeze.
SIMON
Breeze? Puh-leaze!
I'm blowing this pineapple stand.
Quién viene conmigo al mundo nuevo?
Pantera? I know you're smarter than the rest of these creatures.
Vámonos gato, let's ride with the tide--
I'd hate to leave you behind...?
PANTERA
I'll keep my behind right here thank you.
No sabes que dices saponcito Simón.
The city's a jungle.
See this beautiful black hide?
I prefer to keep my coat mine,
And not trapped in a zoo.
Aquí somos libres, allá...
ANIMAL CHORUS
Cuídate tu!
SIMON
Tan miedosos que son, well I'm not afraid!
Still, como salgo sin pelear con las waves?
Okay. Drastic times call for drastic measures,
I'm going to...I'm going to...I'm going to
Sit down and think!
(SIMON mistakes the TORTUGA for a rock and sits, assuming classic 'The Thinker' pose.)
SIMON (cont'd)
Esta chafa isla ni aeropuerto tiene,
(and if there were an airport, it'd probably be under construction anyway)
Nadie quiere ir, too far to swim alone, there's got to be way...
TORTUGA
Ow.
SIMON
Ni los autobuses pasan por aquí...
TORTUGA
I said, 'ow'!
SIMON
Aaaaahh!
TORTUGA
(laughing)
Never in all my turtle years
have I made someone jump with fear.
SIMON
Afraid?! Me? No way! Hah!
Quién tendrá miedo de ti?
'Cara de cáscara'?
TORTUGA
Whatever you say, Saponcito Simón.
SIMON
H-h-how do you know my name?
TORTUGA
Como te conozco a ti?
Compradito, tadpolito, do you know what I am?
I'm a tortuga, old as this sand.
Why, I've seen all your familia grow
from littles tails in the swamp
into the frogs that you know.
Conozco a todos los rincones de la isla,
y yo se que tu andas de prisa
so I won't keep you, me voy a comer,
but remember what this 'cara de cáscara' said:
Everybody needs a home
No one wants to be alone
Don't be blinded by the hype
Learn to see the fruit that's ripe.
If it's life you want to know,
just remember,
Truth is slow.
Slow, como una tortuga.
(TORTUGA starts toward the water that seems to magically calm with her approach.)
SIMON
Why does everyone on this island try to rhyme?
Phf! It ain't for me, I ain't got time.
I need the city y su 'rap'
gotta get out, gotta get phat,
hear that turtle? You're old--
...NEWS!
(TORTUGA is having a pleasant time communing with, perhaps fishing in an accomodating sea.)
SIMON
TORTUGA...! That's it! Turtles swim!
I found my ticket to the city big!
Yippee!
(TORTUGA comes out of the water.)
SIMON
TORTUGA, how long have you been on this island?
TORTUGA
Oh., a long, long time.
SIMON
That's what I thought.
Tortuga, I hope I look as good as you
when I'm your age.
TORTUGA
I hope you're looking period when you're my age.
SIMON
I mean, you got a lot of character, sabes?
You're my kinda turtle. Me caes bien.
TORTUGA
Thank you, Simoncito.
SIMON
I was thinking of taking a little vacation,
you know, change the scenery,
cambiar la onda por un rato.
Y yo creo que entre tu y yo
podemos tirar un rol de perlas,
what do you say? Let's go?!
TORTUGA
A vacation? Hmmmmm.
Why would I take a vacation from a vacation?
SIMON
Por eso! You could get too bored and then too boring.
Hey, yo sé que, vamos a dar una vuelta por la ciudad!
TORTUGA
The city?
SIMON
The city! Hey that's a great idea!
Sure. Why not? Let's go, tu y yo!
A rumbear con las olas, on with the show!
TORTUGA
Whoa.
Keep your shirt on...
Hold your horses...
Chill out!
SIMON
What?
TORTUGA
No.
SIMON
No?
TORTUGA
Yes, 'No.'
SIMON
You know....
TORTUGA
Sí?
SIMON
You're a turtle, right?
TORTUGA
Simón.
SIMON
Simón! That's me!
And you...turtles are slow, right?
TORTUGA
Escucha chico verde:
No tengo prisa, no tengo pena.
Para que apurarme?
Ni para la cena.
My blood pressure's under no pressure.
I can't stress enough my lack of stress.
I have a long and true life.
No more and no less.
SIMON
Yes.
But always so slow.
Wouldn't you someday like to go fast?
Just to know,
how it is, to ride in the breeze,
to feel your blood rush from your head to your knees?
TORTUGA
Fast? Rapidamente ir?
SIMON
Yes.
Just for the heck of it,
then come back to your speed.
Indeed,
let's do it Tortuga, let's go to the city,
allá todo tiene velocity!
TORTUGA
Hmmm.
It's true, I sometimes wonder
how time can be shorter than space.
But that's how it is
they say, in a race.
Es cierto que en la ciudad
hay muchas maneras de mover de vola'a.
SIMON
Vamonos then!
To the city, without a delay!
Are you down Tort?
Uga?
TORTUGA
Weeelll...okay.
Pero cuidado Simón,
el mar está fuerte,
you better hold onto my shell
'till we head past the swells.
SIMON
Yippeeeeee!
(SIMON climbs atop Tortuga's shell and they enter the sea together. They swim along swimmingly.)
SIMON
Oye, amiga, can't you swim any faster?
TORTUGA
Nope, porque--
SIMON
I know, I know...
SIMON TORTUGA
Porque así es una tortuga. Porque así es una tortuga.
(SIMON grows impatient. TORTUGA unphased swims along. The sun rises and sets. We hear an ominous sound. Enter EL TIBURON. He circles the pair of amphibians.)
TIBURON
(Ah, what have we here, floating so far out to sea?
Two sea-surfing suckers, oh lucky lucky me!)
Buenas holas marineros mojados!
SIMON
Hey....hola buena to you Mr....?
TIBURON
Shark.
SIMON TORTUGA
Shark?!!!!
TIBURON
There, there now. Don't get your shorts in a bunch,
or I'll have to iron them out...(Lunch!!!)
SIMON TORTUGA
Yikes!
TIBURON
Hey remember jokes? Relax, I haven't ironed in years.
(One more advantage to sharkskin)
So tell me, my fine 'phibious friends,
what brings you to these waters?
SIMON
We're going to the city.
(TIBURON opens his trenchcoat to reveal an array of watches, sunglasses, and other lost articles of the sort that may have washed into the the ocean from a human-infested beach.)
SIMON (impressed by the array of sunglasses)
Wow! Pero que gafas tan chidas!
TIBURON (to TORTUGA)
What language he speaking?
SIMON
I mean, those shades are the bomb!
TIBURON
Well, okay then, if nothing strikes your fancy...
SIMON
No, I mean sí! I mean, yeah! Sunglasses are a must for the city.
TIBURON
You got it Snoop Frog.
Here we have some Gucci, some Prada, some Rayban
But you, you strike me more as 'Made in Taiwan' kinda man.
(TIBURON hands a pair of sunglasses to SIMON. SIMON quickly puts them on and dons a number of ridiculous poses ala 'frog vogue'.)
SIMON
Wow! If only I could see
how cool these shades must look on me.
TIBURON (producing a hand mirror from his coat)
Vanity, thy name is 'Sapo.'
SIMON (still posing)
Looking good! Looking good...goooood looking!
TORTUGA (taking mirror)
Okay, ya enough!
TIBURON
Now that you have the goods, perhaps you'd like the way,
can I interest you in a ride as far as the bay?
(Between you and me, this turtle's a little slow.)
TORTUGA
Lento?! Pues claro. Like I already told you--
SIMON TIBURON
Yeah, we all know--
SIMON TORTUGA TIBURON
Así es una tortuga!
TIBURON
As just it should be. Everyone has their own personal style.
Some run inches...and others cross miles.
Doña Tortuga, take a little rest?
Let me do the driving, please,
be my guests.
TORTUGA
Well....
SIMON (taking Tortuga aside)
Tortuga, look, you and me,
we're not living with the laws of home.
It'd be rude to refuse--as they say:
“When in Rome...”
TIBURON
Good! It's settled then. Hop on behind and grab a fin.
Now let's see...one pair of designer sunglasses, a handmirror,
and two one-way fares to the city. Will that be cash or charge?
SIMON
Cashashark?
TIBURON
Very funny. NOT.
How will you be paying today?
SIMON
Huh?
TORTUGA (to Tiburón)
Anda compay, no tiene nada this little frog.
He can't even pay attention.
TIBURON (to SIMON)
Time for you to see the sea you're in
I'm gonna lay it out, you best to take it in
Pa' la city te vas? Pos allá, como aquí
Tienes que pagar, nothing is for free.
All that you see here
Is the fruit of many many days and nights at sea
Me, combing the tides, sniffing the debris...
From all of the garbage that's washed from the beach,
knowing what to toss and knowing what to keep
is nothing less than my special-ty.
In other words, don't think I work for nothing
I'm out here trying to make a living.
You wanna be cool? You think you're hip-hop?
Well jump to the price, it's time to pay up!
SIMON
I...I...ay, ay, ay!
TORTUGA (to TIBURON)
Perhaps this will cover the bill:
an 'All-you-can-eat' coupon
for the 'Bottom of the Sea Grill'!
Now really, what sounds better...
la carne seca que soy and a pair of skinny frog legs?
OR a buffet of lobster, fish and salmon eggs?
And, if you hurry and GO,
you'll get there in time for the
'Food Chain Show'!
TIBURON
Hmmmm...
Okay, just for today--with a discount,
I'll consider settled, your account.
A pleasure doing business with you.
(Exits singing)
I'm in the mood for sushi, simply because I'm at sea...
TORTUGA
You are one green frog!
SIMON
Duh.
TORTUGA
I mean, wet behind the ears.
SIMON
Duh-duh.
TORTUGA
Okay Simón, we're back on our own.
Onward to the city
….or do you want to go home?
SIMON
Home? Hah! No way!
The city is waiting,
let's get to the bay!
TORTUGA
Okay...
(SIMON once again hops aboard TORTUGA. They swim)
SIMON
By the way, back there with el TIBURON,
you saved the day...not to mention my shades.
Thanks.
TORTUGA
No problem. Así es una tortuga.
SIMON
Hey! Mira allí, un letrero! What does it say?
TORTUGA
Pos, read it.
SIMON
Well. I would.
But i won't.
'Cuz....I can't.
TORTUGA
No sabes leer y tu quieres ir a la ciudad?!